Putting my why into words brings up discomfort, frustration, anger, and this sticky-icky feeling that brings out my cringe face. I’m having a really difficult time working through this blog post… which certainly means that this is exactly the work I need to be doing!
When I started listing my whys, I realized that I was getting up every morning and trying to be my best self for other people… wonderful, amazing people that I love. It went a little something like this:
To create a safe and nurturing environment full of love and honesty for my children.
To support a loving partnership and grow together with my husband.
To be a competent, respectful, and enthusiastic team player for my co-workers.
To make my family proud of my accomplishments and the person I’ve become.
And if I do say so myself, I do a pretty good job achieving these bullet-points because I love supporting other people! But if I were to be honest, it does drain me. It’s hard for me to say no when I could do something to help (but probably shouldn’t) and my health suffers for it.
That’s why it’s so important for me to find and embrace my why. Not my day-to-day why… my pie-in-the-sky why. I want my north star to check in with when I’m deciding to homeschool my kids another year, to spend a bunch of money on a vacation post-pandemic, or to quit my career to write a book, create a podcast, teach yoga retreats, and change the world.
The internal struggle that I’m having is my pie-in-the-sky will disappoint some people. And the fear of disappointing someone else is so drastic that I don’t even dare to speak my why out loud.
I’m scared that I will let down a friend, a family member, a co-worker when I decide to embrace my why and that is bringing up this sticky-icky feeling so it stops me from wanting to move forward. I’m good where I am… I can do this for a little longer… everything’s fine (and I’ve decided that I’m good with fine because everyone around me is good with fine).
But then I get these glimpses (daydreams?) of me fully living my why, full of energy, full of passion, beaming with fundamental happiness and holding out my hand to all these amazing people that I love and encouraging them to come follow me...
Now I’m pumped! I open excel and start plugging in hypothetical scenarios on how to transition from my “I’m fine” life to “my why” life (and yes, filling out spreadsheets is what I do when I get pumped about something LOL)
But at some point between my first and tenth hypothetical scenario, I realize that’s not how life plays out. There’s no step-by-step checklist. There’s no right way or wrong way. There’s no money-back guarantee if I’m not 100% satisfied. And no matter how many scenarios I plan, the scary truth is that the answer isn’t in my spreadsheet. And I really don’t want to disappoint someone I love based on a decision that I can’t rationalize in a spreadsheet!
So, I am currently stuck. I am stuck between knowing my WHY and the fear of disappointment.
So as of today, I’m not ready to share my why. It’s buried under sticky-icky layers of potentially disappointing people I respect and love. I need to work through this first. I’m digging deep into my existing toolbox and adding new tools that I will share with you on my toolbox page as I work through this… because I will eventually get to my pie-in-the-sky why. I’m just not there yet and that’s okay.